Why On-Line Dating Is.....
Well, lets face it....Horrible. A waste of time. A waste of Money. Inefficient. Unsatisfying. And frankly, Lazy.
Chemistry is Everything!
Chemistry truly is the beginning and Be All of any relationship. Every day we meet people in our day to day lives (co-workers, clients, neighbors, the bag boy at the grocery store) with whom we have a lot in common. We like the same books, music, or movies. We might have the same religion or background. We might both be middle children. However, when it comes to crunch time in a truly great relationship, all that goes out the window when we find someone with whom we "click", not just mentally, but physically. We can have everything in common with someone and find them extremely unattractive and unappealing. We can have nothing in common with the guy down the hall in our building, and yet, when we look at one another, the sparks fly like a malfunctioning circuit breaker.
On Line dating tells you Nothing about the Chemistry of the person you're talking to. I have lost count of the number of dates I've gone on with men I thought were "perfect" on digital paper, only to find them so boring in person I hoped a fire alarm would go off so I could exit the building.
Even if you go beyond on-line messaging into texts, I've found that very disappointing. I met a man on a dating site I'll call "Tom". We talked for a while and I loved his sense of humor. Finally I gave Tom my number. We sent texts back and forth for over a week. With every text I laughed harder. He had a really wonderful sense of humor that matched my own. I thought, Wow! This guy makes me laugh! I can't wait to meet him.
A week later we met at a local coffee shop...and I nearly fell asleep during a double cappuccino! There was nothing wrong with this man at all. But the minute we met I knew the chemistry wasn't there. We bored each other to tears. I was glad when the date ended, and glad when he didn't contact me again. We just didn't have that "spark" that makes two people light up when they're together. I'm sure that he'll make some woman very, very happy. Unfortunately, I'm not that woman.
The very next week I met a man through work who made me wonder what could be, if I didn't have a firm rule about office romances. He was not an attractive man, by anyone's measure. But there was something about him that made me tingle.
And we've all known that couple that has nothing in common, and you can't figure out what they saw in each other. Yet, they've been married for 10-20-30 years, very happily. Or the couple we thought were perfect for each other, have everything in common....and suddenly divorce to the horror of friends and family.
There's a reason why we're attracted to some people and not to others. I have a thing for voices. You could be the most gorgeous man on the planet, but if you have an unattractive voice, or a twangy-nasal-southern accent, I'll be turned off immediately. I watched the movie "Highlander" for one reason--the villain had a deep, vibrating voice that made my flesh sing. I used to get the tingles over Vin Diesel.....until I heard his "real" voice in an interview and realized that deep vibration of tone wasn't his real Voice but a movie character construct. And the man I met through work? His voice had a certain quality that really turned me on.
Some people love eyes, or derrieres. It's all in what YOU prefer. Maybe it's the way your date touches you; maybe its the way She smells, or laughs. Maybe it's the way he looks, or walks. We are creatures of our Five Senses.
Yes, I know a couple that met on-line, though a gaming site; they've been together for over 6 years and truly love one another. But these are rare instances. We base our attractions and our judgments on the way another person makes us FEEL in person....not by the way they write a flirt or a text message.
Dating Sites Provide More Opportunity To Meet Others...At the Detriment of Our Mental Health!
Recent studies show a direct correlation between the amount of time we spend on line...and depression. In a recent article by Michael Serota published in the Christian Science Monitor, “ Psychologists have found that happiness is positively linked to social connections that are substantial, not superficial. At a time when resources are scarce, we need to tap into a resource we already have in abundance: ourselves.”
“ In the study, researchers monitored the conversations of a group of college students over a four-day period. They found that the happiest participants engaged in twice as many meaningful conversations and less “small talk” than the less happy participants. Based on the study’s findings, the researchers concluded that the “happy life is social rather than solitary, and conversationally deep rather than superficial.” “
And these were not ONLINE conversations, but face to face interactions.
You can read the full article here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20101224/cm_csm/351923
He goes on to say, “This research provides at least one explanation for why people still feel alone, isolated, and unhappy notwithstanding the fact that they regularly converse with others via email, instant messaging, text messaging, Twitter, and Facebook. When it comes to social interactions, it appears as though happiness is not a question of quantity, but one of quality. Despite this, however, each electronic innovation seems to be moving us further away from quality interactions. Indeed, with tweets and text messaging, our thoughts are reduced to mere blips on a page.”
So you've been chatting with that nice man or woman for a month on a dating site, and you still don't know if you have chemistry. And on top of that, the entire chat forum makes humans feel more isolated, alone and lonely than ever before!
And people wonder why people get duped by on-line con-artists! It's out of loneliness. That older woman who gave some stranger $500 whom she'd never met except through Match.com, or the poor guy who lost his life savings to a Ukrainian woman who swore she needed the money to get a Visa because she Loves him so much, but then ran off to Bali....We shake our heads and wonder “Why?”. But the answer is clear.
We're lonely, so we reach out to others via the web out of fear of rejection. (It's much easier to be rejected by gamer2090 on a web site than by the cute guy working in the coffee shop we see every day when we stop in for our morning latte). Sitting in front a computer all day, or only chatting with some stranger on Android's app, MiuMeet, increases our sense of loneliness and isolation. By the time the Ukrainian woman comes along promising the World, we're easy marks. At that point we're willing to believe anything to end this self-imposed isolation and engage in real human contact.
And our isolation IS self-imposed. We chose to sit in front of a computer instead of getting out into the real world. Our fear of rejection, or of failure, keeps us locked in a self-fulfilling prophesy of Dating Doom.
Dating Sites Perpetuate Our Fear—and Laziness
They say the only way to get over our fears is to face them. This is why, after years of Acrophobia, I chose a job that requires me to jump out of a plane at least 4 times a year. I'm still terrified of heights and the last time I jumped, I honestly thought my legs were going to buckle in the door of the plane before I could get out.
But now I can stand on a ladder or a chair to hang curtains or reach that top shelf in the kitchen...something that, 4 years ago, I could never have attempted. Yes, it was that bad. If my head reached over 6 feet, I freaked out.
We're using the net and dating sites, more specifically, to counteract our fears of rejection and meeting people. Yet, the longer we use the internet and avoid actual human contact, the more our fear grows.
I'm reminded of a night years ago when I went out with a friend to a bar. We were two college aged, single woman out for a night on the town. We were hot, and dressed to kill. Yet, that whole night, we were hit on ONCE, and at the very end of the evening, as I'm trying to figure out how to walk out to hail a cab without falling over, ONE guy sent me a drink. Yet, for hours, (and yes I counted them) over 20 guys stood on the back wall drinking, watching everyone....doing nothing. By nothing, I mean, they held up the wall and looked scared to death. There were at least 5 guys in that gaggle that, had they Asked, I would have been more than happy to dance with them, or even give them my number. None asked. One of those guys could have been my Soul-Mate. And we'll never know.
So you say, YOU should have approached them! Well, different times then, and I was scared, too. I allowed My fears to prevent me from taking opportunity where it comes.
Fear keeps us on a back wall, only now, we're hiding our faces behind a screen. Laziness prevents us from taking those steps toward the plane door for that final jump. It's far too Easy to just sit in your seat. And the longer you sit there, the more afraid you are, and the less likely you are to jump.
You Don't Know What You're Getting!
My female roommate “M”, was also on internet dating sites, and in fact, hooked me up with my first dating site. She tells the story of a guy she dated through the site. Guy says he met this girl online and she seemed great and they arranged to meet. He pulled up in the parking lot of the restaurant next to the car she said she was driving. He looked over, and Yes, it was clearly the woman he'd met online....about 110 pounds heavier than her picture. Slowly he rolled down his window and said, “You're not the person you said you were. Bye”, pulled out and drove away.
Was he an ass? Or was the woman a dishonest ass for not being upfront about who she is? If she's going to lie about something that Big, and that easily discovered, what else will she lie about? I would have done the same thing.
My male roommate “T”, just joined the same site “M” set me up with...and lied about Everything!! He doesn't have a bachelors degree and he isn't “athletic” (a few extra pounds is kind). But I can't understand Why he lied. He's a Fireman, which is considered one of the most respectable jobs in the country; he has an associates degree; he might be a few extra pounds over an ideal weight, but his bone structure means he'll never be Mr. Skinny. T has two choices in this life—Be a pumped up Arnold who spends every free minute in a gym....or live with a few extra pounds that sit well on his frame.
At least 3 out of 10 men that have contacted me on dating sites...are married. Sorry, Ladies! Your husbands are trolling for affairs on Plentyoffish and Match. It would be in your best interest to hack into their computers. One was particularly painful for me. He was articulate, educated, funny and good looking. We had a lot in common and I was really, really looking forward to taking our relationship to another level. Then he admitted he was married. I was upset and he tried to reassure me by saying his marriage was over, they were only together for the sake of the kids. He even tried to tell me that she kept a pillow between them in bed at night to prevent him from touching her, and that she honestly doesn't care what he does.
So I said, "If you're sure your wife is Okay with you seeing another woman, give me her number. I'll call and ask. If she says it's all right, I'll go out with you." I never heard from him again.
Because all those lines are standard...and full of crap. They're the same lines men (and women) have been using for thousands of years to justify infidelity and get a lonely, vulnerable partner into bed with them. And they're not just lies, they're self-deceptive. If you're marriage is really that bad, and you wife won't have sex with you....Leave. It's very simple these days to get a divorce. But if you're so weak that you'd rather stay in an fulfilling relationship than do the hard thing and get out....what does that say about Your character? What does it say that you're willing to deceive your children for Years? And what are you teaching your children? To Live a Lie?
If so, you're not the kind of person I want to spend my life with.
People lie on dating sites all the time. And sometimes for no reason at all, as is the case with my roommate and the 210 pound woman. Yet, if you meet someone in person, through friends or other means, it makes it a lot harder to perpetuate deceptions.
You can post a 10 year old, 100 pounds lighter, picture on a site; you can't really lie about your appearance in person. And if you meet someone through friends or acquaintances, you have a source of verification. Is he married? How many times? Does he have a bad temper or issues with jealousy? Has he ever hit a girlfriend in the past? Is he employed? How does he treat his mother? Co-workers, family, friends and club members may know the answer to some of those questions. On line, you're flying blind, which in today's world, seems pretty irresponsible to me.
Why Are We Paying For Things We Can Get For Free?
I was at a large sporting goods store recently and at the checkout noticed a can of oxygen. O2, the substance we breathe in daily, 12-16 breaths per minute, 6, 720 times per hour, 18,000-30,000 times per day. Oxygen is all around us, all the time, and so far, no one has figured out a way to tax us for O2 or charge us....
Until now! Now, you can buy high pressure O2 in a can...and pay sales tax.
You can also buy water in a bottle. It's the same water that comes out of your tap but we've figured out a way to make people put out hard earned money for it.
The same with dating and social networking sites. Things we would never have thought to pay for 10 years ago, we're now shelling out $39.99 a month to participate in. And in today's economy, that's just Stoopid, America!
Yes, Bars cost money, too, and they're inefficient ways to meet the right person. But Book clubs don't cost much at all, especially if you can download that book on line for free and upload it to your Kindle. Going to a free outdoor concert, an art gallery opening, a lecture or joining a club that works around your interests, doesn't cost a lot. Some social clubs are absolutely Free! What a concept!
More importantly, you can meet people who like the things You already like and with whom you have things in common. Back to the Dating Site Lies, I've heard of people putting things they've never even tried on their “Interests” page. Sure, my friend, Sarah just LOVES to go hiking and camping....as soon as she stops screaming at the site of a spider, gets over her horror of mussing her hair and doesn't chip a nail.
Yes, actually getting up off your computer chair, taking a long overdue shower, getting dressed and walking out of the house requires Effort. That's what life is about. Effort begets success which begets Self-Esteem.
By using dating sites we've forgotten to do some of the most fundamentally rewarding things Humans all over the world require to be happy and fulfilled.
We've forgotten Chemistry is Important for Sexual pleasure and that's there's nothing Wrong with having a preference. It's essential to our species survival.
We've forgotten that human Contact is essential to our well being and mental health, and that it's our Relationships that make our lives rich and rewarding.
We've forgotten to face our fears and use our Courage, which builds self-esteem and confidence.
We've stopped using our network to protect ourselves.
And we've grown so lazy we're willing to Pay to get things that should be not only free, but an integral part of our human experience.
Now put down the Mouse, and get out there and MEET your perfect match!
